I felt it will only be fair if I didn’t just write on why we men need to get our acts together with regards to our relationships with women. It really does take two to tango, even if one may have the upper hand in manipulating the other. So in every ‘fatal attraction’ there is a shared responsibility for the outcomes, even though I have opined that men are more responsible for whatever happens. Women also have a critical part to play in whatever experiences they face in the hands of men. We can reverse the scenario and talk about how some women are plain wicked to their man and what such men ought to do to escape the ‘spirit of Jezebel’ in operation at that moment. Thus it is fair game to give a straight talk to our precious women because many are also, with their own hands, dipping themselves into the cesspool of emotional turbulence, while they have their eyes wide open (or should I say wide shut?..It seems more so).
So what then would I say to my own sister that is dealing with such disruption to their emotional balance in the hands of men? Many things can be said and ought to be said, but I am limited also by my own experiences and those who I have encountered and stories I have heard. So take what applies to you and deal with your devil before it levels you out. I have also written this in no particular order, but drawn randomly from my notes which I record as issues arise.
1. How are you on the inside? There are two kinds of pressure you have to contend with: internal and external pressures. Both pressures exist from the time you walk into puberty and when you become self aware of the changes within and around you. There is bound to be some form of response on your part, but how you respond will determine the outcomes of each circumstance. For instance you remember when you began to notice your changing physical attributes like the protuberances on the chest, more hair at hidden locations, and other things I best not talk about here, but confident that you are well aware of. These all led one to sometimes extreme curiosity and a need to explore further what all these yaks were. Some people reacted crazily to these internal changes, and left permanent scars to their emotional lives, while others became more cautious with their sexuality. At other times, such internal pressures amounts from external pressure which you see, hear, or experience. A lot of women have had their internal configuration messed up by certain kinds of novel that espoused the idea of a magical man who with a dangerous swagger sways them of their feet. From then on they begin to fantasize about themselves in such a scenario, and base their love life on such faulty foundations which are merely a false projection of reality. This is what Mills and Boons have done to a lot of women. Some have argued that I read it then to improve my English and how to write better. Agreed! But were there side effects? Honestly ask yourself that question.
One thing I have found out in my relationship with women is that the female imagination is extremely very powerful. Women can stretch their imaginations far more than men can, and that’s why they can effectively multi task. Whatever women take on, their imaginations plays a functional part in how much transformation they undergo within based on the amount of information they internalize. Today a lot of women are still feeding themselves with the wrong concepts of relationships, reading from the scriptures of Hollywood and Nollywood, while also receiving counsel from a myriad of romance novels. What plays out in life is usually a total negation and the more sincere response is that which is coined from such sources. It sounds jokey, but I have found this to be true with a lot of women. A lot are also preoccupied with studying the lives and goings of famous female stars and their wacky personal and love life. What obtains is a faulty internal config and thus responses to outer challenges weak. So honestly look at yourself and the path through which you have journeyed and get things right within you. Much can be learned to get your inside right and you must be willing to submit yourself to these things, else you will be humbled over and over again by the same mistakes you keep making. You need to be seriously healthy within if you want to retain your strength as a women.
2. You secretly like wild men yet you want contain them. Are you really serious at all? I have found that a lot of women admire men that are wild, or what we will call bad boys or Cowboys. So you usually hear questions like “why do good girls like bad boys?” While developing a thesis out of this question is not warranted in any way, it however portends a simple answer. If a good girl likes a bad boy, the question her ‘good’. What we are on the outside is usually a far cry from the state of our emotional health. Some ladies fantasize have a man who will give them wild ecstasy in their private lives, and yet they hope to retain their outer dignity. I wish. So check it, if you like a wild guy it is usually because you have a wild sexual imagination, which of course no one can condemn you for, but it will usually lead you into trouble with the man you idolize. If your sexual desire is extreme, and you need a randy and dandy man who will satisfy that aspect of you, then don’t dream to the point that you think you will also be able to successfully contain him.
I was talking to a friend of mine of recent who is Asian and she honestly stated that she loves a guy who she knows she can never marry. When I pried further, she confessed that he makes her feel so sexy whenever they talked, but she knows he is a womanizer. She had a serious need to feel sexy all and here was the man who gave her what she wanted, and she somehow secretly hoped that she could make him focus on her solely. This happens very frequently with some women. The point is that whatever your problem is, it will remain your problem because no man can help you solve that (I will expatiate further in a while). Such men will only feast on you and move on to wherever the party’s at. So if you are going for a man you know is bad, reserve some water in your lachrymal glands for enough crying. The good thing is that you won’t die, the tears will dry up and you will move on. So understand clearly the implication before you venture out to play. These men were wild before you met them, and no matter the amount of divine dosage you have in you, conversion is not your primary assignment. Such holy capacity should have been enough to warn you of potential danger. You want a Cowboy? Then get ready for the bumpy ride.
3. Listen Sister. You don’t need a man to complement you. A lot of women out there are so emotionally deficient that unless here is a man around at a given time, their engine never runs of full capacity. When did a man become engine oil? When the maker made you, He did so because he saw deficiency in the way the man was. So you came to fulfill a need and not to need fulfillment from a man. You can never get your emotional balance from running into a relationship; it was never designed to be so. Ask the many women who have been married for years and they will tell you, that an emotionally sick single or spinster will also become an emotionally sick wife. Your emotional issues are not resolved on the sofa of cuddling and drooling, rather it is dealt with by an honest assessment of yourself and a determination to walk with God and renew your mind. A good friend was always running to my mum every time she has a ‘man issue’. She had gone in and out of three relationships in 5 years. And my mum had to ask her what exactly she was looking for. And her reply was that she just wanted a man to love her and one she can show love to. Phew! So my mum asked her an interesting question in Efik language: “Eme wut mme asua fo ima?” Translating: “Have you showed your enemies love yet?” The point was that if you have much love to give, first experiment on your enemies, then you are qualified to love a man. Because when such a person who you try to love doesn’t give you in return, you will crash. So it’s best to practice with your foes first, then you will be trained to give without expecting in return.
Therefore before you look for a man to complement you, make sure you first complete as a woman and not looking for something in a man but to walk in purpose. You have heard that before you get into a relationship or get married you must be single. But many women seeking relationships today and carrying the emotional vestiges of many men, and thus not single at all. Being single doesn’t mean not being in any relationship, but in a far reaching way it also means being single in thought and emotion, needing no male stilts to support your sexuality. You are only complete in God, and unless you catch that fact, you will remain an experiment in the hands of many men.
To be continued…
forgive all errors