Author Archives: Calabarboy

Politics

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE STOP ROBERT MUGABE?

I am one of those who think the West has actually demonized Robert Mugabe. As one of Africa’s renown freedom fighters and opposer of colonial exploitation, I had his fury etched on my breastplate and registered with the fathers of the liberation movement. Whether we like it or not Mugabe will continue to remain in the hall of fame of those who gave Africa a voice when it was mostly oppressed.

But you know, if you don’t leave the stage when the ovation is loudest, you end up dancing to a strange song and the people cannot figure out the rhythm. Now our man is misbehaving so badly that he acts like a badly brought up child. In the face of blatant truth, this man is hijacking an entire nation for his personal agenda, while unwriting the beautiful history of The Struggle. Now a whole country is stranded because of a blind ambition and an evil desire that impoverishes his people the more.

Zimbabwe which once was a hub for the food industry is now begging for food. A land blessed with so much natural resource and human resource, is now wriggling in the wallows of a stifled hope and a bleak future. Who will deliver the nation from this man? Who will set free again a people that have enjoyed liberty and tasted of the satisfying wine of self reliance? I put it to you Robert Mugabe that you are a disgrace to the African personhood. You have lost your sense of value for the humans you claim to lead and you are blinded by you obsolete thoughts.

I have now come to the point where I am courting a military intervention in Zimbabwe to forestall a human catastrophe. If the CIA could assassinate Patrice Lumumba those days, then technology has made it even easier to, as we say in Nigeria, ‘kpafucate’ this man before the entire nation is plunged into the 16th century. All other African governments must prevail on him to step down and vanish from that country. Although Zimbabwe is a sovereign nation, what is this political concept in the face of a decimated population? Throw away sovereignty please and save lives at what ever expense.

Please can someone stop Robert Mugabe before he stops time in Zimbabwe?

Standard
issues

TIPS FOR SOME BUGGING ISSUES

There are some bugging issues we sometimes try to resolve by some subtle action. We never try to inquire about some of them because it may sound too disgraceful asking such questions. I have this day taken up the challenge to raise and answer some of these questions here. Please if you still have others, be free to ask and you can be sure an answer is well on the way. And please another thing…TAKE THIS NOTE SERIOUSLY!!!!

1. My belly seems to be protruding, how do I stop this?
Although most people have tendencies to have fat build up around their midsection, however a good way to prevent this is to stop sleeping or lying down after eating. Also try and eat your dinner before its 9pm so metabolism can complete before you sleep. If these don’t work….kill yourself with crunches.

2. How do I prevent the toilet from smelling after my pupu, so someone else can comfortably use it?
This is rather simple, I have tried it and it works. Make sure you really want to pupu before going to the toilet. When you get there, put one hand to the flush lever, then concurrently release your pupu as you press the flush lever. This way no pupu will be in the bowl and the smell will all vanish. However, if your pupu is dangerously toxic, you may want to ensure there is cross ventilation and you have an air freshner.

3. As a man how do I prevent my pee from soiling the toilet seat?
Make sure your pee instrument is well directed in the case it is naturally tilted to one side. When you want to pee, make sure you look down at what you are doing and you may wish to stoop down if you are not sure of the speed of the release.

4. How do I rid the house of the smell of my socks since visitors are on the way?
Open all the windows, spray air freshner and perfume, bring the refuse bin out and place it at the entrance of the house. If the conditions you applied in the house do not work well (some socks smell simply blend and refuse to bend), they will think it’s the refuse bin that mst have passed that way and has the lingering smell.

5. I hate washing clothes, what do I do?
A few answer here to help you. First go and marry an uneducated village girl, then oppress her well well. Next you can try and do yahoozee and get rich so you don’t have to repeat any cloth (you’d be adored by the Red Cross). Also you can feign sickness and beg your g/friend to visit. Finally, employ a househelp or convince yourself that cleanliness is next to godliness.

6. My car consumes too much gas/ petrol. What do I do?
90% of the constituents of petrol is water. So all you have to do is increase the percentage of water a little bit and you are good to go. On the other hand these kind of problem is usually that of perception. So make a carve sign with the inscription HYBRID, then stick it to the back of your car, you will suddenly have a feeling that your car consumes less gas.

7. I am ageing fast. What do I do?
Change your mirror, it may have lost its potency. Other options are: drink your urine every morning. Stop cringing it’s called Urine Therapy. Spend a lot of time in the presence of God, you will come out and appear like Moses did.

8. I can’t sleep at night. Help please!!!
If you are a married man, perform your responsibility to your wife and sleep will come naturally. If you are a single guy, think about the beauty of marriage and you won’t even know when you doze off. If you are a married woman, let your husband offend you before going to bed, it is very sweet sleeping knowing your husband will be begging in the morning. If you are an unmarried female, red your bible!!

9. How do I find the right life partner?
Get a life first before you look for a partner for life. But seriously, get a life before a wife, a house before a spouse, money before honey, get some pride before a bride, and study the book of Romans before any romance. Also you must realize that life naturally has a partner, so everytime you find life, it adds something about a partner to you. Finally please, believe in love at first sight, God is not complicated at all.

10. How do I fart in a car with full A/C
You are free to fart if you’re alone in the car, except your doctor has certified your fart as unfit for nasal consumption, at least you can assess how green your eating habits has been. But if you have passengers in the car, this may help you. Scream and shout: OH MY MY!!! I LEFT SOMETHING IN THE BOOTH OF THE CAR!! Then park immediately and scram to the back of the car and quickly release there. But be sure there is enough wind to clear off the offensive odour else there will be trail following you back into the car.

11. I am getting too old, how do I make money before time passes by me?
This is one question many people don’t know how to ask but want to hear the answer. I wont tell you until you comment on this note. All I will say for now is don’t think fasting and prayer doesn’t work ohhhh….it still works.

Standard
Health

MY GRUDGE WITH ANDERSON COOPER OF CNN

I waited with patience for the new production of Planet in Peril by Anderson Cooper, which I think is a brilliant effort by the reporter to bring the realities of issues about the planet to the uninformed world. I must commend the likes of Cooper and Christine Amanpour for leaving the sweet suits and cozy offices and reaching out to the epicenters of global concerns and bringing jaded facts to the fore to engender public discussions. This is what I believe modern journalism should emphasize rather than the shallow concepts of personality clashes and celebrity buffoonisms which seem to attenuate instead of educate our curious minds.

Commendable also must be the recent trip of Anderson to parts of Africa to have a look at some specie of Gorillas and animal viruses particularly how they transport from these animals to human and eventually become global epidemics such as HIV. After watching this report I must conclude that I am very troubled by the reports made. Mr. Anderson and friends have joined the discordant voices of those who now claim HIV came from the jungles of Cameroun, particularly from Chimpanzees which are hunted and eaten. Their theory goes that the HIV virus passed from one of these monkeys to a certain hunter by blood contact. The virus they believe lingered for a while in Africa and eventally with the improvement of transportation modes, it got spread to other countries.

PATHETIC!!!!

I must state very clearly here Mr. Coorper that your report is heavily lopsided and biased. And I am more appalled that the famous Dr. Sanjay Gupta who was in your company could not inform you better from a medical research perpective. I am too sure your intentions were dear, but your directions were tear. The same researchers had told us before that HIV came from monkeys in the Congo region, now it has moved to Cameroun, it may as well land in the Eastern jungles of Nigeria very soon. Ohhh please Cooper, settle down before you mire your impeccable career with a forged report to create more disregard for a continent already bruised by the Western negatives.

I will advise you to research exhaustively before you embark on your quest for truth. The first appearance of HIV was in a gay population in Los Angeles and again in San Francisco and was also known as the gay disease. The theory you are now swallowing is called the Cut-Hunter Theory. There are several other more scientifically proven theories about the origin of the disease and I sugges you check them out first. You can read a book called The River by Ed Hooper, a former BBC reporter like yourself who resign and went into ful research on the origin of the disease. The book is over 900 pages of research work done. Dr. Leonard Horowitz is another man you can refer to as well as Robert Gallo.

I am sick and tired of people using Africa as an experiment and brutalizing our image internationally. Imagine your fans asking you to make sure you take shots to prevent you from catching a disease because you are going to the forest of Africa. This is unacceptable and we Africans demand that you retrace your steps and focus on issues that you can make object proofs on and stop hunching about Africa. When Oral Polio Vaccines and Hepatitis B Vaccines were being cultured on Chimpanzee Kidneys in the 1960s in Central Africa, didn’t they release that zoonosis (transfer of disease from animals to humans) was a possibility? It has become very obvious that these diseases have come as a result of dangerous experiments Westerners have carried out using Africans as scapegoats.

We Africans must begin to invest in medical research. Let us withraw our brains that are contributing elsewhere, bring them home and pay them well to invest their time and minds to solve Africa’s health problems. Let us also celebrate out traditional medicines as the Chinese, Japanese, and the Indians have done. Let’s stop swallowing every lying statistics that are shoved down our throats from western research and begin to carry out objective studies on our peculiarities so we can take charge of our future and ensure the freedom of our children. I expect you reading this note to get informed on lot of things about your continent and refuse any suggestions of neo imperialistic tendencies that so beclouds our perception of issues.

Thank you Anderson Cooper for your good work, but no thanks for your baised report on HIV.

Standard