You know what I found out about philosophy, it clouds the mind of naked truths in the bid to be assertive about knowledge of a given field. Make no mistakes, it has its place, but when trying to hone in on crucial issues to human existence, it is best kept aside and the path of simplicity followed to spur the thoughts of the lay man in reconsidering his economic status. While the ability to discuss my issues here within theoretical perspectives and prevailing paradigms gives me a sense of bloated pride in my education, I confess that I have never gained the interest of a soul in my several complaints. I discovered that when I am simple enough, I draw attention to the details that lie at the base of any argument, thus enticing my readers to peek further. I have sworn to stick to this course.

Economic conditions in Nigeria are one area I have suddenly become a doubter of the several economic theories explaining it. Some news I heard this past week got me really thinking about basics that should be of necessity in a rich country. The paradox of having poor people in a rich country like Nigeria does not have any acceptable explanation by economists even though they have tried. And I will try to explain this by simple analogies that I hope would sway some minds my way as I contend with existing conditions in my beloved country.

If I were born into a rich home, with all that makes life comfortable, let me tell you some of the things I may enjoy. First I am likely to be born outside of Nigeria, given the high infant mortality rate, then I will be given the highest baby care so as to purify my entrance into a beautiful world. Next I will be fed with sheer delight while growing and be placed in probably the best school around. I may even have home instructors to refine my learning a bit more. If my parents are a bit more refined, I may end up learning musical instruments and doing a bit of soft sports. Then during my holidays, I may travel to see another country and see various tourist destinations.

To cut the long story short, I will attend the best university in my country, or even in the world if I am very smart. I may never be denied the best that the riches of my home can afford and never will it occur to me that I have to strive to enjoy these things. Why? My family is rich! A silver spoon in my mouth accords me all the privileges that comes with a silver card holder in the club of global citizenship. Even a wicked family will sometimes act responsibly in giving their wards the best, at least to preserve their name. So it is not discussable whether a child born into riches should enjoy the best, it is a given. This is applicable also to any country.

In the light of the foregoing, what is obtainable at the family level, I believe should obtain the national level. Some may say I am utopian, but I am glad that utopia is a destination that, gladly, people have attained who never gave up. So please don’t tell me there is a theory for Nigeria’s predicament. If the country is rich, it should and must be reflected in the lives of its citizens. The citizens are the face of the country and whatever befalls them is the fault of its family: the country.

There is no reasonable explanation for poor people in a rich country. Why should Nigerians buy petrol for a price almost at par with what is obtainable internationally? In Saudi Arabia, the citizens buy petrol at 68 cents a gallon and in Nigeria we buy it for 70 naira a litre. Both countries produce the same product and are considered rich by the same. I refuse to hear anything other than privileges for Nigerian citizens. We cannot accept anything lesser than that, for it will amount to advanced brigandage and flagitious crime against the humanity of Nigerians. Meanwhile can someone help me figure out how a rich country can make its people enjoy such riches.

There are some bugging issues we sometimes try to resolve by some subtle action. We never try to inquire about some of them because it may sound too disgraceful asking such questions. I have this day taken up the challenge to raise and answer some of these questions here. Please if you still have others, be free to ask and you can be sure an answer is well on the way. And please another thing…TAKE THIS NOTE SERIOUSLY!!!!

1. My belly seems to be protruding, how do I stop this?
Although most people have tendencies to have fat build up around their midsection, however a good way to prevent this is to stop sleeping or lying down after eating. Also try and eat your dinner before its 9pm so metabolism can complete before you sleep. If these don’t work….kill yourself with crunches.

2. How do I prevent the toilet from smelling after my pupu, so someone else can comfortably use it?
This is rather simple, I have tried it and it works. Make sure you really want to pupu before going to the toilet. When you get there, put one hand to the flush lever, then concurrently release your pupu as you press the flush lever. This way no pupu will be in the bowl and the smell will all vanish. However, if your pupu is dangerously toxic, you may want to ensure there is cross ventilation and you have an air freshner.

3. As a man how do I prevent my pee from soiling the toilet seat?
Make sure your pee instrument is well directed in the case it is naturally tilted to one side. When you want to pee, make sure you look down at what you are doing and you may wish to stoop down if you are not sure of the speed of the release.

4. How do I rid the house of the smell of my socks since visitors are on the way?
Open all the windows, spray air freshner and perfume, bring the refuse bin out and place it at the entrance of the house. If the conditions you applied in the house do not work well (some socks smell simply blend and refuse to bend), they will think it’s the refuse bin that mst have passed that way and has the lingering smell.

5. I hate washing clothes, what do I do?
A few answer here to help you. First go and marry an uneducated village girl, then oppress her well well. Next you can try and do yahoozee and get rich so you don’t have to repeat any cloth (you’d be adored by the Red Cross). Also you can feign sickness and beg your g/friend to visit. Finally, employ a househelp or convince yourself that cleanliness is next to godliness.

6. My car consumes too much gas/ petrol. What do I do?
90% of the constituents of petrol is water. So all you have to do is increase the percentage of water a little bit and you are good to go. On the other hand these kind of problem is usually that of perception. So make a carve sign with the inscription HYBRID, then stick it to the back of your car, you will suddenly have a feeling that your car consumes less gas.

7. I am ageing fast. What do I do?
Change your mirror, it may have lost its potency. Other options are: drink your urine every morning. Stop cringing it’s called Urine Therapy. Spend a lot of time in the presence of God, you will come out and appear like Moses did.

8. I can’t sleep at night. Help please!!!
If you are a married man, perform your responsibility to your wife and sleep will come naturally. If you are a single guy, think about the beauty of marriage and you won’t even know when you doze off. If you are a married woman, let your husband offend you before going to bed, it is very sweet sleeping knowing your husband will be begging in the morning. If you are an unmarried female, red your bible!!

9. How do I find the right life partner?
Get a life first before you look for a partner for life. But seriously, get a life before a wife, a house before a spouse, money before honey, get some pride before a bride, and study the book of Romans before any romance. Also you must realize that life naturally has a partner, so everytime you find life, it adds something about a partner to you. Finally please, believe in love at first sight, God is not complicated at all.

10. How do I fart in a car with full A/C
You are free to fart if you’re alone in the car, except your doctor has certified your fart as unfit for nasal consumption, at least you can assess how green your eating habits has been. But if you have passengers in the car, this may help you. Scream and shout: OH MY MY!!! I LEFT SOMETHING IN THE BOOTH OF THE CAR!! Then park immediately and scram to the back of the car and quickly release there. But be sure there is enough wind to clear off the offensive odour else there will be trail following you back into the car.

11. I am getting too old, how do I make money before time passes by me?
This is one question many people don’t know how to ask but want to hear the answer. I wont tell you until you comment on this note. All I will say for now is don’t think fasting and prayer doesn’t work ohhhh….it still works.