I do not feel compelled to write anything about this subject, I only sense an urgency. I also do not believe that anyone has a complete answer to the stated question, but we all know in part and till the day we breathe our last, we will always know in part. All we do is to strive towards more understanding to improve the quality of our lives and decisions. However, responsibility places upon us the need to share with others the little things which we understand, have applied, and have made our lives better by. We communicate these things to help others in the choices they face, and to strengthen their wills to resolve for the best in the face of constraining choices. It is with such careful assertion that I contribute to answering this key question, especially because it seems to be a predominant issue with a lot of women, particularly those who extol virtue and value.
Every time I encounter this question, it is easy to claim that there are more women in the world today, so what does one expect? When there is disproportion in numbers, absolute pairs becomes nearly impossible. So with more women, it follows systematically that there will be a problem in finding men for each woman. This is however a simplistic argument, as no one has ever tried to explicate on this argument in any society or at any time, and to come up with satisfactory recommendations on what must be done. If so, I would be the first to suggest that cloning be used. When parents have a female child, they should promptly clone the male who would be an acceptable mate, and spare the female the horrors of searching for her partner. I guess if such a suggestion were to be carried out, people will be mistaking other men as their mates, since most clones may come from the same source of genetic composition cloned over and over. Let me wisely abandon these thoughts for those more creative in mind projections to make such future permutations.
While I agree that good men are getting increasingly hard to find, I do not subscribe to the thought that they are of a dwindling population or have become an endangered specie. I believe that certain conditions have arisen in our world to create a warping of perspectives on family and relationship issues. This has subsequently led to the acceptance of certain views that has refocused human advancements on individualism and intellectualism. These have become the defining concepts of the modern day. It is the ear of the glorification of self and intelligence, where everything must be explained in factual and tangible terms, and must be accepted and approved of by the individual to be taken as true. While this has led to major advancements in human societies, in terms of research and development, it has created a gulf in the fabric of human relationships. The emphasis on self and personal power and achievement has weakened the structures of mutual dependency on which families and communities were built. So we see the gradual disintegration of families and society into seeming irreconcilable fragments. Success and morality are now personally defined, reducing the possibilities of objective discussion of differing opinions, which is a hallmark of group settings.
The combination of the Hippie movement and the sex revolution of the 1960s brought with them the demystification of sex and its appurtenances all on the platter of ‘freedom’, although this also could be traced back to Freudian writings. Freedom was now defined as the unrestricted capacity to do what one deems fit, except of course that which is prohibited by written laws. Freedom was no longer the liberty to do what is right, but what was right in ones own eyes. Of course sexual conservativeness was promptly thrown out of society’s window. Young people especially caught the bug and began experimenting with their sexuality, and this gave rise to the unconstrained sexual behaviour. Much of youth culture centered on music and sex, and the ability to identify with this registered one as a modern being. More discreet copies as homosexuality, pornography and hard core came ad free flowing information, and many assumed political dimension.
Though these all brought to the fore the complex nature of the human personality, it also gave a covert authority to act out our sexual behaviour freely without recourse to any value or virtue. Sex was seen as a natural response of human engagement, so why repress it in the mind or confine it to relationship arrangements like marriage. Silently also women, who enjoyed the new status of the feminist movement and the ‘free woman’, were empowered in the new sexual liberation. In the late 70s through 80s, the number of young unmarried females who practiced sexual freedom far outstripped the males who were perceived to be the dominant specie in all facets. The result of this was that males became more driven by the large pool of ‘sexual resources’ they could draw from. If a man can sleep with at least one woman a day, why commit to one? On the other hand, I believe, more women prefer a steady partner although there are exceptions to the rule.
Today, what we see is that we are living out the effects of a generational shift in ideology. More and more men find pleasure in remaining ‘uncommitted and unresponsible’ to anyone, whilst still having their sexual needs met. Truthfully, men are in possession of a powerful sexual drive that takes a high sense of self control to deal with. But with more and more choices of sexual escapades, that virtue is hardly practiced. So we are faced with a situation that overfeeds the male libido and provides the right parameters for non-commitment. Women are also not left off in this wave of the free sexual choices. While many still traditional virtues of sexual conservatism, others have given into the pressure or given up on their values. Some argue, have premarital sex or multiple sex partners doesn’t make you a bad person. But I wonder if one cannot control sexual urge, what else can be controlled? In all this, I still ask if good men are a fallacy? Indeed no one can claim to be all good, for that is a quality reserved to the divine. We all struggle with weaknesses, which are meant to be conquered and controlled.
Good men are those that hold worthwhile values, and respect a woman and understand commitment. They know that sex is an honourable thing, meant to create a lasting bond with a partner. They understand the role of a family as the unit of society, and are poised to establish one, contributing positive offspring to their communities. They aren’t supermen, but they are willing to work hard to provide for their families, to educate their children, and to uplift moral excellence in their immediate spheres of influence. In my goings in a complex society like that which I live in, I have found that they abound and are fully guarding of their ways. I have found also that they are in more supply than their opposites, and this is what leaves me wondering how comes they then seem to be in short supply? Am I living in a dream land or am I interpositioning my idealisms into our tangible reality? Whatever I think, I still find the truth to be that which society refuses to believe as true. There are good men, they far outnumber the not-good ones, and they are getting hooked with mates all around us. Some women agree that there are indeed good men, but when I asked the same question on my status message on Facebook, below is what a few conclude about them:
1. In a far faraway island.
2. …in d tombs.
3. In their world of pleasure.
4. They are now women
5. Lazy, dead, gay, or married…
6. They are on leave of absence
7. What do you need them for?? Absolutely nothing.
The above shows how negative the perceptions have become, and to this end, many women are giving up on the idea of finding a good man. Standards have been lowered for anything acceptable and they assume that the perfect shouldn’t be the enemy of the expedient. Another evidence is that many women now settle for a man through which they can at least have a child. They don’t care about the outcome of the union, they just need a child. In a restaurant in New York, with a few friends, one of them resignedly stated that she was traveling to Europe for holidays, but then whispered to me that she was going there to get pregnant. She has given up hope on finding a man who is willing to settle down. How true that this pervades society, but how false to give credence to the seeming extinction of virtuous men based on these perspectives.
While I may not convince anyone about good men, it remains an undeniable fact that they abound, as every time one of them gets married, the saying arises again: “one good man down”. While every man getting married is not necessarily a good man, most good men have marriage as a major goal in their lives. Usually, when a man in his thirties tells you that he is not planning for marriage yet, often times it may be attributed to a lack of responsibility and accountability. Even when such men want to get married, they usually will not want to be accountable in their relationship with their wives. However the bigger question for me is if good men are still in plenty supply, how do we find them? This is what will form the basis for another write-up. I will simply state it here that good men can be found, and there is what attracts and repels them, just as there is what attracts and repels virtuous women. Anyone who seeks a good man must be poised to understand what it takes and be willing to subject oneself to them. Trust me, they are all around you.