THOUGHTS OF A CALABAR BOY

Have you ever seen a human who doesn’t want to be great? Although one may argue that there are such people, I doubt if it would be a personal decision of any man not to be great. Therefore greatness is a subtle wish of every being living or dead. If you ask a little child this day and age, already, with so much examples around us, such a kid would likely speak pompously of a dream lurking in the corners of his malleable heart. Being great is a driving force for the things we all engage ourselves in, whether work or play, we all try as much as we can to increase of our relevance all in the effort to bring greatness to our lives.

The most frustrating thing to any man is when he has no relevance to his given environment. Nothing is as depressing as when you come into a place and you are not even noticed or accorded any pleasantries. It reduces your feeling of self-worth and puts you in the mud of questioning your very existence. I have had a friend, when we both witnessed the above circumstance, tell me “Reggie! I have to be great oh.” I could practically feel the ooze of a strong desire from him, and I suddenly knew why many people in their quest end up on the downside of ambition. I am not immune from it, that’s why I think I have the imprimatur to break the cocoon of my thoughts on the matter.

Two men in our contemporary history present us with the two sides of greatness, as counsel to those of us who seek to walk the paths where the Lions and eagles tread. We have celebrated them and poured so much encomiums for their acts of courage in the face of defiant foreign domination and enslavement. The names Nelson Mandela and Robert Mugabe strike the musical notes of exemplary leadership and influence that cause a whole nation and continent to dance in a uniform manner, and get historians frantically penning down pages of rhetoric for the annals of Afro-History. The name of the latter may now provoke feelings of disdain, but nevertheless, we cannot strip him of his former accomplishments and his stumbling is a factor for the thoughts herein.

Mandela and Mugabe, at birth may never have conceptualized the extent of the relevance they would have in their generation until they picked up undying passions for freedom from oppression. Today we know that these men were in the forefront during the years of playing on the turf in the game of African renaissance against imperialistic proponents. But while one is still soaring effortlessly on the wings of greatness, the other is on a downward spiral on the broken wings of ambition. After tasting the wine of grandeur, one is done by it while the other is drunk by the same liquid. It reveals the sourness in sweetness. Reminds me of the sweetness/ bitterness of the garden egg, depending on who eats it. Now I am knowing that greatness is like wine or the garden egg, it has a varying effect on its consumer. Greatness produces both Masters and Monsters.

After watching the movie by Jim Carrey: The Mask, I am more persuaded that true greatness is first the nature of a man before an appendage. While the mask produced a sort of superhuman in one, the same mask produced a super monster in another, based on the the inherent nature of the recipients. Greatness is like this mask which some men may be given the opportunity to wear in their lifetime. What results is entirely a revelation of the hidden nature and predispositions of such a ‘lucky’ individual. Saul and David in the holy writ are also due examples of the differing outcomes of greatness. Both led by the same passion to free their people from domination, set about glorious deeds. But what resulted was that one has a name that we so eagerly give our children, while the other is a word of caution to our erring wards. In like manner, greatness has revealed what was the content of the heart of Mandela and has shown us also the motivation behind Mugabe’s actions. Therefore I am poised to be inspired by both men as I carve out my own path of relevance to a watching world.

While Mandela has shown me how greatness can make a man a living legend, Mugabe has taught me that greatness can warp the mind of a man and make him self-conceited. I have learnt that greatness is a privilege and not a right thus it cannot be forced but exuded. I am also learning that clinging onto privileges makes one an unnecessary pain and a hindrance to others as they seek to enter into the doors of opportunity. Now I know that true greatness inspires the same in others, while false greatness seeks to sap the value out of others and establish self serving interests, even if people have to sacrifice their lives for it. Today at 90 years of age Mandela is a living legend, while Mugabe at 84 is a living Brigand.

I will not be stupid enough to dwell on their achievements, but to set my own course by dealing essentially with my nature first, so that when greatness comes knocking, I will be a Master and not a Monster.

MY COURSE IS CLEAR!!!

You know what I found out about philosophy, it clouds the mind of naked truths in the bid to be assertive about knowledge of a given field. Make no mistakes, it has its place, but when trying to hone in on crucial issues to human existence, it is best kept aside and the path of simplicity followed to spur the thoughts of the lay man in reconsidering his economic status. While the ability to discuss my issues here within theoretical perspectives and prevailing paradigms gives me a sense of bloated pride in my education, I confess that I have never gained the interest of a soul in my several complaints. I discovered that when I am simple enough, I draw attention to the details that lie at the base of any argument, thus enticing my readers to peek further. I have sworn to stick to this course.

Economic conditions in Nigeria are one area I have suddenly become a doubter of the several economic theories explaining it. Some news I heard this past week got me really thinking about basics that should be of necessity in a rich country. The paradox of having poor people in a rich country like Nigeria does not have any acceptable explanation by economists even though they have tried. And I will try to explain this by simple analogies that I hope would sway some minds my way as I contend with existing conditions in my beloved country.

If I were born into a rich home, with all that makes life comfortable, let me tell you some of the things I may enjoy. First I am likely to be born outside of Nigeria, given the high infant mortality rate, then I will be given the highest baby care so as to purify my entrance into a beautiful world. Next I will be fed with sheer delight while growing and be placed in probably the best school around. I may even have home instructors to refine my learning a bit more. If my parents are a bit more refined, I may end up learning musical instruments and doing a bit of soft sports. Then during my holidays, I may travel to see another country and see various tourist destinations.

To cut the long story short, I will attend the best university in my country, or even in the world if I am very smart. I may never be denied the best that the riches of my home can afford and never will it occur to me that I have to strive to enjoy these things. Why? My family is rich! A silver spoon in my mouth accords me all the privileges that comes with a silver card holder in the club of global citizenship. Even a wicked family will sometimes act responsibly in giving their wards the best, at least to preserve their name. So it is not discussable whether a child born into riches should enjoy the best, it is a given. This is applicable also to any country.

In the light of the foregoing, what is obtainable at the family level, I believe should obtain the national level. Some may say I am utopian, but I am glad that utopia is a destination that, gladly, people have attained who never gave up. So please don’t tell me there is a theory for Nigeria’s predicament. If the country is rich, it should and must be reflected in the lives of its citizens. The citizens are the face of the country and whatever befalls them is the fault of its family: the country.

There is no reasonable explanation for poor people in a rich country. Why should Nigerians buy petrol for a price almost at par with what is obtainable internationally? In Saudi Arabia, the citizens buy petrol at 68 cents a gallon and in Nigeria we buy it for 70 naira a litre. Both countries produce the same product and are considered rich by the same. I refuse to hear anything other than privileges for Nigerian citizens. We cannot accept anything lesser than that, for it will amount to advanced brigandage and flagitious crime against the humanity of Nigerians. Meanwhile can someone help me figure out how a rich country can make its people enjoy such riches.

There are some bugging issues we sometimes try to resolve by some subtle action. We never try to inquire about some of them because it may sound too disgraceful asking such questions. I have this day taken up the challenge to raise and answer some of these questions here. Please if you still have others, be free to ask and you can be sure an answer is well on the way. And please another thing…TAKE THIS NOTE SERIOUSLY!!!!

1. My belly seems to be protruding, how do I stop this?
Although most people have tendencies to have fat build up around their midsection, however a good way to prevent this is to stop sleeping or lying down after eating. Also try and eat your dinner before its 9pm so metabolism can complete before you sleep. If these don’t work….kill yourself with crunches.

2. How do I prevent the toilet from smelling after my pupu, so someone else can comfortably use it?
This is rather simple, I have tried it and it works. Make sure you really want to pupu before going to the toilet. When you get there, put one hand to the flush lever, then concurrently release your pupu as you press the flush lever. This way no pupu will be in the bowl and the smell will all vanish. However, if your pupu is dangerously toxic, you may want to ensure there is cross ventilation and you have an air freshner.

3. As a man how do I prevent my pee from soiling the toilet seat?
Make sure your pee instrument is well directed in the case it is naturally tilted to one side. When you want to pee, make sure you look down at what you are doing and you may wish to stoop down if you are not sure of the speed of the release.

4. How do I rid the house of the smell of my socks since visitors are on the way?
Open all the windows, spray air freshner and perfume, bring the refuse bin out and place it at the entrance of the house. If the conditions you applied in the house do not work well (some socks smell simply blend and refuse to bend), they will think it’s the refuse bin that mst have passed that way and has the lingering smell.

5. I hate washing clothes, what do I do?
A few answer here to help you. First go and marry an uneducated village girl, then oppress her well well. Next you can try and do yahoozee and get rich so you don’t have to repeat any cloth (you’d be adored by the Red Cross). Also you can feign sickness and beg your g/friend to visit. Finally, employ a househelp or convince yourself that cleanliness is next to godliness.

6. My car consumes too much gas/ petrol. What do I do?
90% of the constituents of petrol is water. So all you have to do is increase the percentage of water a little bit and you are good to go. On the other hand these kind of problem is usually that of perception. So make a carve sign with the inscription HYBRID, then stick it to the back of your car, you will suddenly have a feeling that your car consumes less gas.

7. I am ageing fast. What do I do?
Change your mirror, it may have lost its potency. Other options are: drink your urine every morning. Stop cringing it’s called Urine Therapy. Spend a lot of time in the presence of God, you will come out and appear like Moses did.

8. I can’t sleep at night. Help please!!!
If you are a married man, perform your responsibility to your wife and sleep will come naturally. If you are a single guy, think about the beauty of marriage and you won’t even know when you doze off. If you are a married woman, let your husband offend you before going to bed, it is very sweet sleeping knowing your husband will be begging in the morning. If you are an unmarried female, red your bible!!

9. How do I find the right life partner?
Get a life first before you look for a partner for life. But seriously, get a life before a wife, a house before a spouse, money before honey, get some pride before a bride, and study the book of Romans before any romance. Also you must realize that life naturally has a partner, so everytime you find life, it adds something about a partner to you. Finally please, believe in love at first sight, God is not complicated at all.

10. How do I fart in a car with full A/C
You are free to fart if you’re alone in the car, except your doctor has certified your fart as unfit for nasal consumption, at least you can assess how green your eating habits has been. But if you have passengers in the car, this may help you. Scream and shout: OH MY MY!!! I LEFT SOMETHING IN THE BOOTH OF THE CAR!! Then park immediately and scram to the back of the car and quickly release there. But be sure there is enough wind to clear off the offensive odour else there will be trail following you back into the car.

11. I am getting too old, how do I make money before time passes by me?
This is one question many people don’t know how to ask but want to hear the answer. I wont tell you until you comment on this note. All I will say for now is don’t think fasting and prayer doesn’t work ohhhh….it still works.